There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
