Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize