I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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