I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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