The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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