Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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