she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
