I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
