I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
