roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
