Your face is a jimmy john
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
