the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
