RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
