the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I stole a fireplace last night.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
