Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
