You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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