I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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