Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
