My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize