I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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