If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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