Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
