When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
