if i can run in heels then i can drive
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
