why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
