you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
