The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
