Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
