she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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