Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
