Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
