Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
