Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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