I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
