She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Girls should come with a carfax report
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
