he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
