u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
