Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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