Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
