my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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