Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
