im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I want to make a zoo with you.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
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Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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