I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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