Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.