i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
