Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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