I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
