'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
