When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
