I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
