Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Sober January is a disaster.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
