Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
