i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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