Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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