My sheets look like a crime scene.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
