last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
