he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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