im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
