your thong is hanging out like whoa
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
